Monday, February 1, 2010

I felt like such a success on Saturday - my first full liquids-only day! - and Sunday morning, when I made a greeeeen smoothie with an entire bunch of dandelion greens (that was *bitter*!). But then Sunday afternoon a friend had a birthday party. I asked if I should bring food, and they assured me it wasn't necessary, that there was TONS of food. Her roommate (a very good friend of mine) had gone out of her way to buy rice-based snacks so as to avoid wheat and corn, but she didn't bother to check the ingredients list (second ingredient on both was corn, not to mention all the sugar and other crap). That was as good as it got at the party, and I was so hungry. I should have gone out and gotten food for myself, but I already felt like everyone thought I was being unreasonable and rude asking about food ingredients at someone else's birthday party. Probably not true, but... my friend had gone out of her way to get something I could eat, and even though she hadn't actually succeeded...
I have been lax with many of the detox rules, but my firm rule was no dairy, wheat, or corn, because they all make me really sick.
But I felt so guilty, and so hungry... so I ate some of the rice cakes. Super sweet and processed, but the least offensive thing available.
Then I had some of the corn tortilla chips because there was guacamole and I love guacamole.
Then I had some with the bean dip, which "only had a little cheese."
Then later everyone was eating pizza and I had a piece. A small piece, with pineapple on it. And three leftover crusts with the garlic sauce because I love garlic so much.
I didn't want the pizza. I wasn't going to have any. It wasn't even good pizza. >P And I felt so crappy even before that. I don't really know what happened.
After the pizza, I ached all over and my head felt like it was full of bees and I couldn't think, and I was suddenly really depressed.
That food makes me so sick.

I was trying to stay away from dairy, wheat and corn for the last year, but I've never succeeded for long, because they are biochemically addictive. I hate that. I really hate not being in control of what I eat.

I'm starting over today. My husband helped me put things into perspective last night: that it was just one day, one bad day, and I learned a lot from it about my emotional issue surrounding hospitality, politeness, birthdays, and food.
Six weeks can't undo years of bad eating. But one day can't undo weeks of detox, either. Right?

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