Back from a leave of...

And... I'm back.
It has been a long time since I last posted, I know, and I can't promise regular posting just yet. I had been avidly reading and blogging all winter, but toward the end I hit the winter-blues, and since then, I've been refocusing my time and energy to things offline. I am changing a lot of priorities mentally and slowly changing the manifestations in my life of these priorities. This has meant I had to focus my energy on things other than my diet. But things are coming back around again

I have been eating what I have felt like, and that's been pretty far from the gluten-free, corn-free, raw vegan diet I'd like to follow on a semi-regularly basis. Once I allowed wheat, dairy and corn back into my diet, the addictions reasserted themselves and I have not been able to resist bypassing all three for even one day. But chocolate is really bad - I realized that I am pretty thoroughly addicted to chocolate/sweets and they are a big part of how I cope with stress. Not good.

Emotionally, I am having a rough time. Depression sunk in midwinter and has been hard to beat back. Trying to stay optimistic, though. I know it is harder because of the crap food that I am eating - food that causes inflammation in the body and therefore fatigue, depression, and all that. But the weather is warming up and it's past time for me to go for a higher-raw diet again. This will, by itself, make a difference, but it is also not the only thing I am doing to improve my mood situation.

Oddly enough, I feel that I've been hesitant to go "whole hog" on the raw thing in part because I've been getting mixed messages from my body & my intuition, both. I simultaneously feel that high-raw-high-vegan (HRHV) is the best thing for my body, AND that I might need to integrate some animal products more after 9 years of vegetarianism. I have been eating raw cows' and goats' milk cheeses occasionally for a few months months now, and I don't think they are sitting with me very well. I have eggs occasionally, and those don't disagree with me, but they do feel heavy. So I introduced a little chicken, after research and buying only from sources I am OK with. I have, when eating it, intentionally let myself listen to what my mind, body, and conscience are telling me. And I have really mixed feelings about it... but they are not all bad. So I've had chicken a few times now... I'm not sure it's something I want to do often, but perhaps it will be something I do once a month or something like that. Or maybe it was just something I needed for now, and I can go back to eating more in alignment with my values soon. We will see.

So, I'm doing the six-week detox thing again. I've been listening to inspirational speakers and educational teleseminars. Also, I am spending the first week of June in New York, and I am looking forward to trying all sort of fantastic raw vegan restaurants there. Nothing like gourmet raw food that I didn't have to work for to get my inspired and back on track, right?

Smooth skin and emotional steam

It would be funny how addictive gluten and dairy are, except it isn't! After the day where I succumbed to the junky snacks and that piece of piece, I had gluten and/or dairy again for the next two or three days. Every time, I tried to stay away, but every time, I felt like I had no control of my actions! Each day I had a little less, though - the last was a single stolen bite of my hubby's mac'n'cheese. Since then it's been much easier.
My salt cravings are still intense. I remind myself to eat salt-containing healthy foods, like miso broth or nori (the seaweed used to roll sushi, which I just love to snack on!), and that usually handles it, but sometimes I eat a salty snack anyway.
So, I'm plugging away at the six-week detox. I've got a cold, which isn't making things easier, but I'm sticking to it nonetheless. I'm determined to get more exercise.
My skin is smoothing out some. Oddly enough, the eczema isn't getting any better, and my face is still covered in the tiny bumps that I think of as preceding pimples, though it's been years since I actually got full-fledged pimples all over my face. It's usually just these tiny bumps with occasional pimples. Where I don't have the eczema, though, my skin is softer and regaining healthy elasticity. This is one of the biggest things I wanted out of this detox, so I'm excited about it. I will be more excited when my eczema actually goes away. I'd like to lose a little weight, too, but I understand that my body has higher priorities right now, so I'll be patient.

The "emotional detox" has continued to be pretty intense, making me very, very glad to have a very supportive husband and supportive friends around me. One of the biggest realizations I had was how much my friends me to me and why I am "meanest" (most prone to be a bit snippy) to those closest to me. I only feel safe expressing my anger with the people that make me feel safe, that I believe won't hate or hurt or leave me if I express my anger. That I am now able to explain this I think makes it easier when I am snippy to a good friend.
And meanwhile I'm working on other issues, so that I can express anger, frustration, and other "negative" emotions in a healthy, gradual way, rather than bottling them up and blowing up at someone.

I felt like such a success on Saturday - my first full liquids-only day! - and Sunday morning, when I made a greeeeen smoothie with an entire bunch of dandelion greens (that was *bitter*!). But then Sunday afternoon a friend had a birthday party. I asked if I should bring food, and they assured me it wasn't necessary, that there was TONS of food. Her roommate (a very good friend of mine) had gone out of her way to buy rice-based snacks so as to avoid wheat and corn, but she didn't bother to check the ingredients list (second ingredient on both was corn, not to mention all the sugar and other crap). That was as good as it got at the party, and I was so hungry. I should have gone out and gotten food for myself, but I already felt like everyone thought I was being unreasonable and rude asking about food ingredients at someone else's birthday party. Probably not true, but... my friend had gone out of her way to get something I could eat, and even though she hadn't actually succeeded...
I have been lax with many of the detox rules, but my firm rule was no dairy, wheat, or corn, because they all make me really sick.
But I felt so guilty, and so hungry... so I ate some of the rice cakes. Super sweet and processed, but the least offensive thing available.
Then I had some of the corn tortilla chips because there was guacamole and I love guacamole.
Then I had some with the bean dip, which "only had a little cheese."
Then later everyone was eating pizza and I had a piece. A small piece, with pineapple on it. And three leftover crusts with the garlic sauce because I love garlic so much.
I didn't want the pizza. I wasn't going to have any. It wasn't even good pizza. >P And I felt so crappy even before that. I don't really know what happened.
After the pizza, I ached all over and my head felt like it was full of bees and I couldn't think, and I was suddenly really depressed.
That food makes me so sick.

I was trying to stay away from dairy, wheat and corn for the last year, but I've never succeeded for long, because they are biochemically addictive. I hate that. I really hate not being in control of what I eat.

I'm starting over today. My husband helped me put things into perspective last night: that it was just one day, one bad day, and I learned a lot from it about my emotional issue surrounding hospitality, politeness, birthdays, and food.
Six weeks can't undo years of bad eating. But one day can't undo weeks of detox, either. Right?

Hi again! Sorry for the quietude, but I've been busy reading, listening to teleseminars, and concentrating on my well-being during this first week of the Six-Week Detox. I've been keeping a mini-journal on a private forum for participants, and between that and reorganizing how I use my time, I'm a bit strapped for spare moments.

So, I'm going to copy (and lightly edit) a bit from my mini-journal there.

Today I decided to make an all-liquid day. I think I may break with that and have some oranges, because my body's been craving citrus a lot lately. I sat down and ate three whole grapefruits the other day for lunch/brunch. I love grapefruit! I was surprised I felt so satiated and satisfied having just grapefruit for brunch and lunch. (I don't tend to eat anything until at least mid-morning - my gut is much happier that way!)
Last night I made a very green smoothie, low (for me) on fruit and loaded with greens and green powders - chlorella, spirulina, wheatgrass, mullein leaf (good for mucus issues), and dulse. That's what I'll be having for lunch today. I also juiced last night and froze the jar for today - one bunch carrots with their tops, one large bunch parsley, the center 1/3-1/2 of a head of romaine, and two pears. Verrrry green for me, juice wise, but the pears made it still palatable.

I can tell I'm detoxing again - I'm getting mild acne on my face. >.< But being less strict - not doing 100% raw every day - means the detox is much more gentle than it was when I did 100% raw for a full week. I am not feeling so overwhelmed and angry, either. (Hm, sounds like I need to detox some anger... gee, big surprise! NOT!)

Another thing I've been craving and eating a ton of is green olives stuffed with whole garlic cloves. They are oily, but very delicious. I don't even really like green olives, but I love garlic and I know how tremendously healthy it is. I realized I was sitting and eating the equivalent of one or two heads of garlic in one sitting, and found myself thinking, "Huh, I bet my body needs and wants all that anti-microbial goodness."
(Plus they are so tasty!)
Grapefruit is the same way, especially the seeds - an anti-microbial power-house! Huh, I guess my body is trying to tell me something.

I'm going hiking in the woods with friends tomorrow, and we'll be playing games and chasing each other too, so it's going to be my super-high exercise day for the month. (I'm usually worn out for a couple days after these monthly game days!) But I think I'm going to go bowling and/or roller-skating for fun and exercise tonight and/or Sunday too.

I've been making a version of the "Leaky Gut Repair shake" - with hemp protein, a red-superfood powder, chia seeds, coconut, a banana, and about 20 oz. water - and it is not only giving me indigestion, it's making me a little constipated. The indigestion is probably from combining the banana and hemp - and I know better, but man, the shake tastes pretty gross without the banana to sweeten it. I'm going to try my shake again with stevia instead of the banana to sweeten it. I think it is the bad food combining that is upsetting my stomach, but if it is the hemp alone, I should know soon. I hope not, though, because I bought three canisters of hemp protein powder, and I know that stuff doesn't keep forever, even frozen.

The red powder contains lots of stuff, too much to list it all here, but it's lots of high-anti-oxidant red/blue/purple foods (like pomegranate, acai, purple cabbage, berries of many sorts, etc.), detox herbs (milk thistle, tumeric, aloe, ginger, etc.), and enzymes & probiotics. I saw it at Trader Joe's and it sounded just about perfect, so I decided to give it a try.

Well, wish me luck!

Slowing down, speeding up, and committing

I haven't written for a week or so, mostly due to lack of time, but also because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say next.
I stopped eating 100% raw for a few days. Emotionally, it was just really tough for me. I learned a lot being 100% raw for a week. One of the things I learned, though, was that eating 100% raw right now is much like when I did Kundalini yoga or acupuncture regularly - very good for me, but a little too much too fast. I realized it was a bit too much when, one evening after work (this was day 7, I think), I found myself storming around the house, yelling about being hungry, and then, less than ten minutes later, lying in bed crying. I said to myself, "Whoa, that was... unexpected. Um. I think I may need to have some gentle cooked food."
So I did. I felt a bit better right away - my detox symptoms eased. I decided to take a few days off and not worry about the diet.
Then over the weekend, I had the opportunity to see some friend I don't see very often, and they wanted to eat out. So not only did I eat cooked food, I ate a fair amount of wheat and dairy. Ugh. That stuff just makes me feel lousy, physically and mentally/emotionally! BLEH!

I've been eating mostly raw the last couple of days, and barring something unexpected, will have eaten 100% raw today. I'm craving oranges this week for some reason. I remember how I used to love them so much I would eat as many as I could get... which wasn't many, I'll admit. So I've been eating a couple of those each day and I think I'll get more, as my local co-op has a glut of blood oranges lately. YUM!
I think I need to prioritize other aspect of self-care and get those going as well if I am to have any hope of succeeding at a raw food diet. Health is about way more than just the food you eat.

As of today, I'm committing to a new program. As of Jan. 1, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to afford it, but the lovely ladies that run the program have negotiated a work-exchange for me for part of the fee. (Have confidence in the abundance of the universe, and what you desire will come to you!) So, as of today I'm doing The Six-Week Detox from The Raw Divas. I'm excited and scared. I've downloaded the documents I need for the first week and the overview stuff, and there's so much, I feel that it's a bit intimidating. I know that's just unhelpful fear talking, though, and I will be grateful for all the information moving forward.
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One of the first things they said to do is answer four questions to set you intentions for the program:

QUESTION 1: What are your goals for this program. In other words at the end of 6 week program, what will have changed for you?
I will have more energy, more emotional stability, less indigestion, fewer headaches, and smoother, healthier skin.

QUESTION 2: What will you feel like when this is accomplished?
I will feel proud, pleased, and accomplished! I will feel more in tune with myself and my world, and ready to keep going. I will feel more like "myself."

QUESTION 3: On a scale of 1 to 10 , how committed are you to achieving this? (1 is not very, 10 is completely)
8. I'm kind of scared. Part of me wants to run away and say this will all just be too hard. :(

QUESTION 4: What needs to happen for it to be a 10?
I need thorough support and I need to spend some time meditating and doing some affirmations. Right now I'm scared, and my low self-esteem is making me believe I will just fail and that I don't deserve to succeed. Even though I know my husband already is supportive, I am afraid my friends will not be.
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Right now I'm chowing down on a big salad with raw dressing, reading up on raw food and hypothyroidism (from which I suffer), and soon I will be off to snuggle with my hubby and watch a movie on the Dalai Lama and another on natural childbirth.