Slowing down, speeding up, and committing

I haven't written for a week or so, mostly due to lack of time, but also because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say next.
I stopped eating 100% raw for a few days. Emotionally, it was just really tough for me. I learned a lot being 100% raw for a week. One of the things I learned, though, was that eating 100% raw right now is much like when I did Kundalini yoga or acupuncture regularly - very good for me, but a little too much too fast. I realized it was a bit too much when, one evening after work (this was day 7, I think), I found myself storming around the house, yelling about being hungry, and then, less than ten minutes later, lying in bed crying. I said to myself, "Whoa, that was... unexpected. Um. I think I may need to have some gentle cooked food."
So I did. I felt a bit better right away - my detox symptoms eased. I decided to take a few days off and not worry about the diet.
Then over the weekend, I had the opportunity to see some friend I don't see very often, and they wanted to eat out. So not only did I eat cooked food, I ate a fair amount of wheat and dairy. Ugh. That stuff just makes me feel lousy, physically and mentally/emotionally! BLEH!

I've been eating mostly raw the last couple of days, and barring something unexpected, will have eaten 100% raw today. I'm craving oranges this week for some reason. I remember how I used to love them so much I would eat as many as I could get... which wasn't many, I'll admit. So I've been eating a couple of those each day and I think I'll get more, as my local co-op has a glut of blood oranges lately. YUM!
I think I need to prioritize other aspect of self-care and get those going as well if I am to have any hope of succeeding at a raw food diet. Health is about way more than just the food you eat.

As of today, I'm committing to a new program. As of Jan. 1, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to afford it, but the lovely ladies that run the program have negotiated a work-exchange for me for part of the fee. (Have confidence in the abundance of the universe, and what you desire will come to you!) So, as of today I'm doing The Six-Week Detox from The Raw Divas. I'm excited and scared. I've downloaded the documents I need for the first week and the overview stuff, and there's so much, I feel that it's a bit intimidating. I know that's just unhelpful fear talking, though, and I will be grateful for all the information moving forward.
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One of the first things they said to do is answer four questions to set you intentions for the program:

QUESTION 1: What are your goals for this program. In other words at the end of 6 week program, what will have changed for you?
I will have more energy, more emotional stability, less indigestion, fewer headaches, and smoother, healthier skin.

QUESTION 2: What will you feel like when this is accomplished?
I will feel proud, pleased, and accomplished! I will feel more in tune with myself and my world, and ready to keep going. I will feel more like "myself."

QUESTION 3: On a scale of 1 to 10 , how committed are you to achieving this? (1 is not very, 10 is completely)
8. I'm kind of scared. Part of me wants to run away and say this will all just be too hard. :(

QUESTION 4: What needs to happen for it to be a 10?
I need thorough support and I need to spend some time meditating and doing some affirmations. Right now I'm scared, and my low self-esteem is making me believe I will just fail and that I don't deserve to succeed. Even though I know my husband already is supportive, I am afraid my friends will not be.
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Right now I'm chowing down on a big salad with raw dressing, reading up on raw food and hypothyroidism (from which I suffer), and soon I will be off to snuggle with my hubby and watch a movie on the Dalai Lama and another on natural childbirth.

A poignant bit from the Post Secret project

I saw this by way of  a blog post from Meghan Tepner, and though the whole post is good, her repost of a picture from the Post Secret project really got me, as in it is truth for me too.

I'm afraid.

I have a lot of fear and rage inside.

It is so hard to grow through and past. But I am working on it. Ouch! It's very painful at times, because it means I must uncover wounds I did not even realize were there in order to heal them.

But I'm tired of hurting. I must have faith and intention that I cannot help but be happy and healed. I am afraid I won't be happy even if I am physically well, but now I acknowledge that is my ego trying to cling to its current identity of illness and pain. I am afraid because I'm not sure who I would be if I were to be fully, radiantly healthy. But I would still be me. Illness does not define me. Neither does my job, my house, my friendships, my hobbies, my favorite foods. I will be free of the ego and it's clawing control of my life, my food choices, my emotions, habits, and fears. I will. No, I AM free of the ego! I am free and radiantly healthy! It is inside me right now, and I will reveal it to the world in time.

Love,

Kasi

What is intention?

One of the most important concepts I've had the pleasure of learning more about in the last year is that of "intention." Regardless of what we say or what we plan, if the full weight of intention is not there, if we hold back in any way, we cannot succeed. If we make a resolution to achieve a goal, assuming it is a reasonable goal, there are two ways it could go:
-We say we will do it, but we don't believe we will succeed, we aren't willing to do the really hard work, and/or we believe we aren't worthy and sabotage ourselves. Because our full believe and will are not behind the statement, we fail. And then we get the perverse right to belittle ourselves even more (which, for anyone with chronic body image/self-esteem/depression issues, can be quite the addictive cycle).
-We say we will do, and we KNOW we will do it. When it gets hard, we say, "Well, we are going to do this one way or another, and hard work is necessary for growth, so let's buckle down and DO this!" We may get discouraged, but we never give up. We believe we are worthy of success. We believe in ourselves!

Intention is about believing in and OWNING your own success, before it ever happens. Without the full weight of intention, we give up before we have even started. How can we help but fail when we set resolutions that inside, we do not believe or want to keep? We just say we will really try, and then when we fail, we have the cop-out of saying, "Well, I really tried, and I failed, so obviously I'm a loser/I'm too lazy/the world is out to get me/God(dess) hates me..." and so forth.

And that realization - that it is YOUR responsibility, your life, your success or failure - that is so hard to fully own. Your "lack of willpower," "laziness," etc. is an excuse, a falsehood preventing you from dealing with painful truths - or perhaps it is simply comfortable, a habit. But if you wish to grow, you have to be willing to face tough truths, you have to be willing to feel some pain. You will sometimes feel worn raw, like a skinned knee you can't see, but you learned as a child that skinned knees heal, and so do all wounds, eventually, even if they leave us changed. Pain passes; let it wash over you, be present to it instead of resisting it, and then the growth you so desperately need will come more easily. That growth is going to come whether you resist or not, so why make it harder? Not everything you need in life is easy or enjoyable or even what you want!

Put your full intention behind your decisions, and you can move mountains!