I felt like such a success on Saturday - my first full liquids-only day! - and Sunday morning, when I made a greeeeen smoothie with an entire bunch of dandelion greens (that was *bitter*!). But then Sunday afternoon a friend had a birthday party. I asked if I should bring food, and they assured me it wasn't necessary, that there was TONS of food. Her roommate (a very good friend of mine) had gone out of her way to buy rice-based snacks so as to avoid wheat and corn, but she didn't bother to check the ingredients list (second ingredient on both was corn, not to mention all the sugar and other crap). That was as good as it got at the party, and I was so hungry. I should have gone out and gotten food for myself, but I already felt like everyone thought I was being unreasonable and rude asking about food ingredients at someone else's birthday party. Probably not true, but... my friend had gone out of her way to get something I could eat, and even though she hadn't actually succeeded...
I have been lax with many of the detox rules, but my firm rule was no dairy, wheat, or corn, because they all make me really sick.
But I felt so guilty, and so hungry... so I ate some of the rice cakes. Super sweet and processed, but the least offensive thing available.
Then I had some of the corn tortilla chips because there was guacamole and I love guacamole.
Then I had some with the bean dip, which "only had a little cheese."
Then later everyone was eating pizza and I had a piece. A small piece, with pineapple on it. And three leftover crusts with the garlic sauce because I love garlic so much.
I didn't want the pizza. I wasn't going to have any. It wasn't even good pizza. >P And I felt so crappy even before that. I don't really know what happened.
After the pizza, I ached all over and my head felt like it was full of bees and I couldn't think, and I was suddenly really depressed.
That food makes me so sick.

I was trying to stay away from dairy, wheat and corn for the last year, but I've never succeeded for long, because they are biochemically addictive. I hate that. I really hate not being in control of what I eat.

I'm starting over today. My husband helped me put things into perspective last night: that it was just one day, one bad day, and I learned a lot from it about my emotional issue surrounding hospitality, politeness, birthdays, and food.
Six weeks can't undo years of bad eating. But one day can't undo weeks of detox, either. Right?

Hi again! Sorry for the quietude, but I've been busy reading, listening to teleseminars, and concentrating on my well-being during this first week of the Six-Week Detox. I've been keeping a mini-journal on a private forum for participants, and between that and reorganizing how I use my time, I'm a bit strapped for spare moments.

So, I'm going to copy (and lightly edit) a bit from my mini-journal there.

Today I decided to make an all-liquid day. I think I may break with that and have some oranges, because my body's been craving citrus a lot lately. I sat down and ate three whole grapefruits the other day for lunch/brunch. I love grapefruit! I was surprised I felt so satiated and satisfied having just grapefruit for brunch and lunch. (I don't tend to eat anything until at least mid-morning - my gut is much happier that way!)
Last night I made a very green smoothie, low (for me) on fruit and loaded with greens and green powders - chlorella, spirulina, wheatgrass, mullein leaf (good for mucus issues), and dulse. That's what I'll be having for lunch today. I also juiced last night and froze the jar for today - one bunch carrots with their tops, one large bunch parsley, the center 1/3-1/2 of a head of romaine, and two pears. Verrrry green for me, juice wise, but the pears made it still palatable.

I can tell I'm detoxing again - I'm getting mild acne on my face. >.< But being less strict - not doing 100% raw every day - means the detox is much more gentle than it was when I did 100% raw for a full week. I am not feeling so overwhelmed and angry, either. (Hm, sounds like I need to detox some anger... gee, big surprise! NOT!)

Another thing I've been craving and eating a ton of is green olives stuffed with whole garlic cloves. They are oily, but very delicious. I don't even really like green olives, but I love garlic and I know how tremendously healthy it is. I realized I was sitting and eating the equivalent of one or two heads of garlic in one sitting, and found myself thinking, "Huh, I bet my body needs and wants all that anti-microbial goodness."
(Plus they are so tasty!)
Grapefruit is the same way, especially the seeds - an anti-microbial power-house! Huh, I guess my body is trying to tell me something.

I'm going hiking in the woods with friends tomorrow, and we'll be playing games and chasing each other too, so it's going to be my super-high exercise day for the month. (I'm usually worn out for a couple days after these monthly game days!) But I think I'm going to go bowling and/or roller-skating for fun and exercise tonight and/or Sunday too.

I've been making a version of the "Leaky Gut Repair shake" - with hemp protein, a red-superfood powder, chia seeds, coconut, a banana, and about 20 oz. water - and it is not only giving me indigestion, it's making me a little constipated. The indigestion is probably from combining the banana and hemp - and I know better, but man, the shake tastes pretty gross without the banana to sweeten it. I'm going to try my shake again with stevia instead of the banana to sweeten it. I think it is the bad food combining that is upsetting my stomach, but if it is the hemp alone, I should know soon. I hope not, though, because I bought three canisters of hemp protein powder, and I know that stuff doesn't keep forever, even frozen.

The red powder contains lots of stuff, too much to list it all here, but it's lots of high-anti-oxidant red/blue/purple foods (like pomegranate, acai, purple cabbage, berries of many sorts, etc.), detox herbs (milk thistle, tumeric, aloe, ginger, etc.), and enzymes & probiotics. I saw it at Trader Joe's and it sounded just about perfect, so I decided to give it a try.

Well, wish me luck!

Slowing down, speeding up, and committing

I haven't written for a week or so, mostly due to lack of time, but also because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say next.
I stopped eating 100% raw for a few days. Emotionally, it was just really tough for me. I learned a lot being 100% raw for a week. One of the things I learned, though, was that eating 100% raw right now is much like when I did Kundalini yoga or acupuncture regularly - very good for me, but a little too much too fast. I realized it was a bit too much when, one evening after work (this was day 7, I think), I found myself storming around the house, yelling about being hungry, and then, less than ten minutes later, lying in bed crying. I said to myself, "Whoa, that was... unexpected. Um. I think I may need to have some gentle cooked food."
So I did. I felt a bit better right away - my detox symptoms eased. I decided to take a few days off and not worry about the diet.
Then over the weekend, I had the opportunity to see some friend I don't see very often, and they wanted to eat out. So not only did I eat cooked food, I ate a fair amount of wheat and dairy. Ugh. That stuff just makes me feel lousy, physically and mentally/emotionally! BLEH!

I've been eating mostly raw the last couple of days, and barring something unexpected, will have eaten 100% raw today. I'm craving oranges this week for some reason. I remember how I used to love them so much I would eat as many as I could get... which wasn't many, I'll admit. So I've been eating a couple of those each day and I think I'll get more, as my local co-op has a glut of blood oranges lately. YUM!
I think I need to prioritize other aspect of self-care and get those going as well if I am to have any hope of succeeding at a raw food diet. Health is about way more than just the food you eat.

As of today, I'm committing to a new program. As of Jan. 1, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to afford it, but the lovely ladies that run the program have negotiated a work-exchange for me for part of the fee. (Have confidence in the abundance of the universe, and what you desire will come to you!) So, as of today I'm doing The Six-Week Detox from The Raw Divas. I'm excited and scared. I've downloaded the documents I need for the first week and the overview stuff, and there's so much, I feel that it's a bit intimidating. I know that's just unhelpful fear talking, though, and I will be grateful for all the information moving forward.
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One of the first things they said to do is answer four questions to set you intentions for the program:

QUESTION 1: What are your goals for this program. In other words at the end of 6 week program, what will have changed for you?
I will have more energy, more emotional stability, less indigestion, fewer headaches, and smoother, healthier skin.

QUESTION 2: What will you feel like when this is accomplished?
I will feel proud, pleased, and accomplished! I will feel more in tune with myself and my world, and ready to keep going. I will feel more like "myself."

QUESTION 3: On a scale of 1 to 10 , how committed are you to achieving this? (1 is not very, 10 is completely)
8. I'm kind of scared. Part of me wants to run away and say this will all just be too hard. :(

QUESTION 4: What needs to happen for it to be a 10?
I need thorough support and I need to spend some time meditating and doing some affirmations. Right now I'm scared, and my low self-esteem is making me believe I will just fail and that I don't deserve to succeed. Even though I know my husband already is supportive, I am afraid my friends will not be.
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Right now I'm chowing down on a big salad with raw dressing, reading up on raw food and hypothyroidism (from which I suffer), and soon I will be off to snuggle with my hubby and watch a movie on the Dalai Lama and another on natural childbirth.

Don't just survive... Thrive!

I realize it's been quite a while since my last post. The truth is, I've had quite a lot of big, big stuff on my mind. I've done a good bit of writing in my person, paper journal, but I have been doing a lot of reading.
As you can see from the sidebar, the number of blogs I'm reading regularly has shot up. Probably too many, especially when you add in things like Facebook, Twitter, and LiveJournal, all of which I am still (theoretically) reading too, but only on occasion. Mostly, I am reading a lot of raw foods, sustainability, and crafting blogs, as that is where my mind is focused lately - internally, but looking to others for inspiration and ideas.

I have decided to go 100% raw on Jan. 1.

I have been adding more raw foods to my diet over the last six months and have seen some good results. My skin does better when I am eating a good mix of raw foods. Cooked food gives me headaches and brain-fog. Also, when I eat raw, I feel light, energized, happy, and optimistic. When I eat cooked food, I find myself becoming lethargic, pessimistic, listless, bored, and depressed. I can see this effect within a couple hours (or less) of eating.

I envision the person I want to be, the person I think I am inside the fatigue, headaches, eczema, depression, poor concentration, aches and pains, breathing trouble, etc.... And that person is healthy, happy, full of energy and love, and aglow with life. Everything I read about eating a raw vegan diet leads me to believe that this diet can help me manifest the life I want. My experience with eating more raw foods in my diet has been almost uniformly good. The only problem I have run into is how easy it is to pig out on rich, delicious raw desserts, and my digestion is too weak to handle that much fat at once. I now realize I need to take systemic enzymes before consuming rich dishes like that!

My cravings for greens, mentioned in an earlier post, comes and goes, but the healthier I eat, the more I find I want healthy food.
As an example:
Mexican food was a staple growing up with my family. I have many positive memories of it as it is one of my parents' favorite kinds of foods and eating out was about the only time we all ate together, so Mexican food is comforting to me. So, the other night, I went out for Mexican food. I had been craving it intensely and I thought it would be a good thing to satiate before jumping into raw foods so that I wouldn't keep thinking about it.
And... it was really disappointing.
All that thick cheese, heavy beans, corn... ugh. It didn't taste as good as I remember, and it made me feel heavy, sluggish, and achey before I was even done eating. But someone else's unwanted side of guacamole and lettuce? My mouth watered just looking at it, and I ate as much as I could scavenge from around the disgusting pile of sour cream. Yum. It was far from the best guac I've ever had, but it was what I wanted.

So, I've decided to give 100% raw a try. I have a one-month meal plan, a ton of recipes, and lots of books and blogs to keep me inspired. I figure I can do one month and see how I feel and what I want to do from there.
There are so many reasons I want to do this. My health is the primary one, but there are so many others... I want to be happy, and I want to be the best person I can be, not just for myself, but for every member of my family and friends, present and future. I want to be someone I can be proud of and that my family and friends can be proud of. That means taking the best possible care of my health that I can. I am done just surviving, just slogging through the work day to go home and flop down exhausted. I'm tired of going through things either half-asleep or so preoccupied I wonder where each month, each year has gone.
I want to be fully ALIVE. I want to THRIVE.

Love,


Kasi

Still craving greens!

I am still craving greens! I can't get over this, it's weird. Tuesday and Wednesday I had salad for lunch AND a green smoothie once I got home, and I want more!

A couple weeks ago I sat in a Wendy's as a couple friends were eating. Since we were there and I was hungry and craving salt, I decided to get french fries. As I sat and looked around, I had the sudden, terrible revelation that I was surrounded by death. From the greasy french fries we shared and the chicken nuggets and burgers they ate that came from tortured animals raised in unsanitary factories, to the tons of plastic for windows, seats, ads, trash cans and the disposable, single-serving everything, to the overweight customers killing themselves with so-called "food"... Death. There was death everywhere. It was like one of those movies where suddenly the character realizes that it's all an illusion and suddenly sees the broken lights, rotten wood, and sunken skull-like faces behind everything and every face around them that looked so bright and normal a second ago.
I asked myself, then, what if I decided to make choices that affirmed life, in every decision I made? What food I eat, whether or not to buy something, what materials to use in my garden and house, even what hobbies I have and how I spend my time.
What if, every day, when faced with a decision I asked myself the simple question, "Is this life-affirming?"
And if the answer is no, then don't buy/eat/do that.
Choose the most life-affirming option in every decision you make.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my cravings for wheat products have dropped dramatically recently. I look at them and think, "My cravings are just a manifestation of emotional need - I should deal with the source, not the symptoms" and "This isn't nuturing to me, it will hurt me. Do I really want to eat something that will leave me hurting for far longer than it would give me pleasure?"

I am tackling the great (and difficult) emotional work and realizing that there is no wonder I was failing to improve my health the whole time.
-I could not access or make progress on locked-up emotional problems without moving and exercising my body.
-I could not exercise without tools and support in place to deal with the intense emotions released.
-I could not eat healthily because of emotional needs connected to food.
-I could not feel stable and happy emotionally because I ate food almost every day that made me subtly sick and ill.
-I could not exercise without pain when my body was full of toxins from bad foods.
-I did not have the energy for exercise when eating unhealthy foods, and without the invigoration of exercise, I had no energy to take the time to prepare healthy foods.

Every problem fed into one another. Buddhists have a word for this that translates approximately as the "interdependent co-arising" of phenomena.
It seemed so helpless, so pointless, doing little things when each little thing does so little toward improving the big picture of my health. But it's all connected through feedback loops, so a little healthier food means better emotional processing and more energy; more energy for exercise means less joint pain and sounder sleep; therapy for emotional issues gives the strength to make healthier food choices... etc. I have so far to go but after this long the progress I am seeing feels so wonderful!
And hard! Wow, this is exhilerating but also hard work! I am so grateful for all the ways I am blessed - especially, this week, all the loving support I am receiving from my husband.

Until next time, love and light,
Kasi

What is the purpose of this blog? Plus, physical inventory

Given my intentions, outlined in my last post, you may be wondering what purpose this blog can serve toward those ends. Mainly, I intend to use this blog to help me keep track of changes and progress (or regress, I suppose) and to keep me focused. It will also allow me a place to form and write ideas, so crucial to growth. This is my self, watching.

So, it seems to me that taking an inventory of where I am currently and a direction I'd like to go seems like a good idea.

Physical situations are the easiest to put into words, so let's start there.
Physically, I am far from perfect health. I am out of shape and have not had a regular exercise regimen in over 4 years. I don't get enough sleep and I handle stress much more poorly than I would like. I am addicted (yes, addicted - addiction to food is a topic for another post, though) to a number of foods that I am well aware, intellectually, are unhealthy for me, such as products made from wheat/other gluten-containing grains, corn, dairy, etc., and chocolate. These foods in turn hurt my body's ability to maintain balance and health. I suffer from headaches, allergies - which manifest in many forms, including itchy, painful eczema that comes and goes in varies places on my body - joint pain, poor concentration, lack of energy, ennui, physical depression, indigestion, nausea, reoccurring infections, bladder pain, and to top it off - hypothyroidism. I am slightly overweight, with no stamina and occasional difficulty breathing, and my skin and hair do not have the luster I remember them once having. All of these are symptoms of a body that is overtaxed and undernourished.

What would my vision of myself as truly healthy look like? This is an ideal collage project - I suggest you try it!
-I would have radiant skin, smooth, springy and full of moisture and life. My hair and nails would have natural shine to them and be far less prone to breaking and peeling.
-I would have abundant energy to do many activities, and feel tired only when deserved, as after a long hike, or at the end of the day.
-I would have little trouble staying focused on a project - at work or a personal pursuit - for long periods of time.
-I would be able to run without stopping or feeling horribly fatigued and out of breath after a short period of time.
-I would have no joint pain.
-I would no longer have headaches from allergies, food, fatigue, or poor posture or eye strain.
-I would have comfortable, light-feeling digestion with no nausea/indigestion and healthy, regular, easy bowel movements.
-I would not feel like I depend on food for satisfaction or comfort (this is getting into emotional areas!) and would eat truly nutritious meals and snacks every day, even eating out.

Essentially, Healthy Me would have a ton of energy and look and feel great!
Gosh, that sounds nice, doesn't it? But so, so far from where I am! Ah, how will I get there??

Well, really, I believe it is so much simpler than most people think. In my mind, there are really only four steps:
1) Increase intake of nourishing foods in your diet.
2) Decrease intake of foods not nourishing to you.
3) Move your body, in many ways and often.
4) Cleanse old toxins and build-up out of your body.

You'll notice nothing about calories, specific foods, exercise quotients, or anything like that in there. That is because our needs and abilities change and when we set strict numbers, it's easy to sabotage ourselves. And our progress is never linear, so we can't say "Always do better than the week before!" The best we can say is, "Keep going!" If we waste too much time thinking and focusing about our failures, we don't devote time and energy to SUCCEEDING! So stay focused on improving, not on getting to a specific goal. Only chose specific goals if they help serve YOU... you are not and should not be a slave to an arbitrary goal! Sure, I would love to lose 10-20 pounds, but I'd much rather be radiantly healthy and energetic, whatever my weight, so I'll take or leave the weight loss!

Alright, that's a good starting point for the physical inventory. I'd like to get some hard numbers to look at, too, namely my current weight and body fat percentage and possibly some other numbers, such as how many push-ups I can do and how long I can run without stopping. Possibly some pictures of my current physical state. These will give me a baseline so I can assess my progress in a more concrete way, to keep me going, and to remind me of some of the things I'd like to improve going forward.

Emotional/Mental/Spiritual inventories and goals to come!